A Career Crush

Yesterday I went to Jammin Bread to study when I ran into Kirby Hines. I had actually been staring him down while I ordered a vegetarian sandwhich. He was with another woman in a long skirt, probably his wife. Anyway, he came over and said hi to me while he got a refill on his tea. We talked for a minute. He asked me how I was doing, and I did my highly edited yada yada yada, I’m graduating this year, going to go to the Peace Corps, I’m really excited. That type of thing. Then he told me to email him if I needed anything because I was a bright girl, and he went back to lunch with his wife.

Inside I was all butterflies.

I should probably explain. I wasn’t thinking about getting him naked, or sleeping with him. I was just thinking about how much I wanted to be like him. A black professor who’s paid his dues so he could chill in a posh cafe with his wife.

I know it sounds silly, because it kinda is. But I think I tend to look for role models wherever I can find them. But I find that I get like this around people like Kirby, or Scott black professors because I want to be like them someday. I think at least. And I get some weird attachment to them that doesn’t work like normal attachment. I don’t want to sleep with Kirby, or Scott, or Dana or Jayna. It’s deeper than that. I want to be them. It’s weird.

I don’t know if it’s normal. If some people just idolize people because of what they do instead of who they are. But it feels safe in this context because it’s career envy.

I’m still not sure if I’ll email Kirby.

After school

My life last week was absorbed with papers and the Coming Out Monologues, which rocked. I can’t believe how much fun I had. We raised about $700 which is great. I should repost on here daily this week, since I got my life back after the COM. I’m dead tired right now, but I’m committed to getting back into writing.

So, topic for this evening are life plans. Right now I’m in my last full quarter of college (I have one more during the summer session) and I’m anxiously awaiting life after college, or after school. I told my teacher that college is prison and I’m about to get paroled, which is how I feel. I’m really tired. I feel like I’ve been running a 10 year academic marathon because I’ve tried the hardest to be the best student or writer I can be. And now, it’s hard for me to even write. I wonder what happened to that girl who loved to write. She’s hiding somewhere. It’s difficult to write now, and I can’t just blame it on my job. I was hella busy before. Now I’m just paralyzed when I’m in front of a computer or paper, even in front of my journal.

I volunteered to help out at the International Services Center today, but no one else showed up, so I asked the staff if he knew of any job opportunities abroad. Michael, I think is his name asked me how I had been since he met me three years ago. I told him that I applied to the Peace Corps and I got a term in Eastern Europe, but they’re taking so long with the health evaluations that I’m thinking about some options. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I was a little torn with what I want. I really want to go in the Peace Corps, but I’m trying to prepare myself if they reject me. My job said I could relocate in another branch, but I would have to go to the Bay Area. Two weeks ago, I was scared when I heard this, but now the idea sounds kind of nice. I’ve decided that if I get into the Peace Corps I’m going there, but if they ask me to wait a year, or they reject me altogether, I’ll move. I need to get out of Riverside.

Sometimes I go around acting as if I don’t have a plan when in fact, I do. Ideally I’d do the Peace Corps. I’d get my TEFL certificate from that, and teach in Eastern Europe, or perhaps Asia. I’d travel to Africa and Latin America, and in the meantime of teaching and soaking up cultures I’d hopefully publish some articles and get my name in the journalism field. After five years I’d go back to grad school for my MFA with an emphasis in Comparitive Literature. I’d probably be on the East Coast. After grad school, I would try to publish something larger, maybe try to get a job as a lecturer or Assistant Professor and then settle down. The thing though is that plan will take approx. 10-15 years to complete, and the pacing of it worries me. I sometimes think that since I don’t want to settle down completely after college that I’m not a real adult yet. But a part of me feels like I am young, I don’t have any serious attachments or things to lose, so why not? But even with the main plans, I have other things to ponder, like what am I going to do right now, or what about my writing, or my loans? I’ve considered consolidating, but I’m not fully sure yet.

Michael told me not to worry, that this is a good time for me to roam the world, that my plans, although not solid sound good, and the loan people weren’t as mean as I thought they were. I guess the reason I stopped writing as much is the same reason I don’t think of the future: I’m afraid. My plan changed after high school, so what’s to stop me from changing my mind again? I’m worried what I’ll think about, what decisions I’ll make, and if they’ll be the right ones for me after all. I guess the last quarter brings all this out of me.

But I’m determined to get over that hurdle. I want to be content and the person I wanted to be when I was younger, but right now, it’s so difficult. This is the first time I feel like my age, because I’m having a hard time visualizing my future at this point. I don’t know what it looks like, but man, I’m so tired of midterms and workshops.

A not so exciting update

My Friday of hangout time was well. The kids at my job were out for spring break, so I decided to take last week and slack off, since I was afforded the luxury to do so. I hung out with Amalia Friday morning after class. We talked about nail shops and graduating, since I’m walking (hopefully) this quarter and my own feelings on that, which I’ll elaborate on in a later entry. We studied in the library and talked about Paulo Lins, Daniel Alarcon and workshops, and I think I’ve developed a bit of a crush on her. Not like a romantic crush, but when she reached across the table, raised her eyebrown and asked me, ‘What are you doing later on?’ it hit me that I want to spend more time with her. She seems friendly, and like she likes my company, and we have an awkward chemistry. I opened a door for her, and while we were at Starbucks she couldn’t find her credit card so I paid and she mumbled an embarrassed thanks, which I found endearing. I think she’s someone I want to be around a little more, but I’m nervous about pursuing this friendship. I don’t know. I’m afraid that if I push too much then she won’t want to be my friend, but I think a part of me is saying this out of fear for what has happened in my past relationships, especially Jon and more recently, the spring break drama. But I can’t stop thinking about her.

I would’ve taken her up on her offer for happy hour but I was meeting up with Renee, the ever busy red head professor. We didn’t talk much, but I did get a free lunch out of it. And I met up with Janean over hookah. Hookah’s weird. I got pretty dizzy from it, and my cognative dissonance kicked in. I hate smokers, but I like hookah. Especially how dizzy it makes me for a couple of hours. Anyway, I finally met Janean’s girlfriend, the shy Jennifer, and found out that sad enough, they’re moving. We had some good talks, which I should post up here.

Anyway, Saturday was work, Saturday night was oddness, and Sunday was the cast rehearsal. The producers added a closing end where the cast does a monologue. I was so tired I started comparing it to a church choir, saying we should do the electric slide or the cha cha slide. I’m excited and really nervous about performing in close to two hundred people. But I have Wednesday to be scared. My week is packed, and I don’t know where I am going to get more hours. Sleeping, perhaps.

My entries won’t be this boring in the future, I swear. I’m just trying to get back into the groove of blogging and such. But here are the things I promise, no matter how busy I get.

I’ll do at least two creative posts a week. One for fiction, one for nonfiction.
I’ll try to do at least one recipe.
I’ll post a total of three times a week minimum.
And hopefully, I can get used to writing again.

Okay, that’s all for now.

My life in five words

Last week I went to see Renee at her office hours and it turned out she was teaching class, but taking a break to let her improve students work on their first project. She told the class to write a 5 word sentence that describes their lives. On the spot, I came up with this:

“I thought you liked me.”

Yep, that’s my life story in five words all right. Renee busted up laughing. She said she would tell her class that.

I thought I would begin there instead of with the usual, my name is blah blah and I’m a — because I want to start in media reis, per se. I’ve contemplated returning back to blogging, simply because I need some way to express myself on a more regular basis. I might get a fan base, and I might not. Either way, I want to get back in touch with my creative side, but bear in mind my five words, because they might come up often.

I thought you liked me.

But hopefully not. Tomorrow I am seeing Amalia, Renee and Janean in that order and I am looking forward to being socially busy. But that’s all I have for now. I’m going to try to get 5 hours of sleep for class.