8 More Random Facts About Me

What could be better than 8 random facts about me? 8 More random facts. I’m not going to tag anyone, but in case you’re wondering about more stuff about me than what I’ve shared (which is a lot) here are more random tidbits:

1. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to take off my glasses.

2. After reading “Paradise” I’m not all that interested in attempting to read another Toni Morrison book.

3. I have a tendency to read Romance novels whenever I’m on winter or spring break, as a way to detox. The thing though is that I never tell people what books I read (I’m not saying here).

4. If I met Aaron Karo, I’d sleep with him.

5. The French scare me. A few years ago my flatmate’s olive oil went missing and his French flatmate accused me, and said, ‘you niggers steal everything.’ It wasn’t me, but even after that got cleared up, I never got an apology and no one thought his statement was wrong. So now French people make me nervous.

6. And since I’m being all sorts of xenophobic and other phobic, I’ve never liked anyone from the Nation of Islam.

7. Man, I feel like a total jerk. I didn’t own my first bed until I was 21. Before then, I was so stubborn I just slept on five blankets.

8. I don’t want to have kids, but if I ever have a boy, I’m naming him Vincent because it’s my favorite name for a boy and I’ve never met a guy named Vincent who deserves the name.

What Could’ve Happened

Since I wasn’t going to work out for two days, I decided to work out Friday and Saturday to make up for those lost days. I usually don’t run on a jogging path, simply because when I go running it’s too dark (I run at sunrise), but I did on Friday because, well, I didn’t have anything else to do (this is my excuse for my whole summer existence) and I ran into this guy who was also going to run. When I go running, I make it a point to look the most unattractive as I possibly can, because I don’t want to give people the wrong impression. That, and those chicks who say they’re going to work out but just run around the gym in makeup and booty shorts and oogle at guys’ biceps and abs annoy me, even more so then the guys who scope out the gym to stare at chicks asses (this happens more than you’d think).

So, I’m on my way to run, in a t-shirt and sports bra that are well on their way to mildewing and five day old sweat, with my iPod in hand, and my hair’s in this big afro from showering without a shower cap. He tried to talk to me while I was stretching, and I’m sure I had that ‘Leave me alone’ look on my face, but I tried to be nice. We ran a mile together, in that time (8 minutes) he told me he’s a math major, and vegetarian. I never meet people like this.

I told my coworker about this while we were picking up trash down University Ave because we need tons of hours. She asked me if I got his number, and I said why would I? He had told me that if I was around in the evenings we could jog together, but that was about it. So I might run into him next week because I run in the evenings on Friday, but here are the ways it could’ve ended.

1. He finishes the jog and I’m in soooo in love with him because it’s rare I meet a brother who’s smart and a vegetarian who has any interest in talking to me, much less when I make the homeless look like supermodels. And while I’m thinking about when the wedding is, I trip and fall on a curb. He finishes jogging without me.

2. He helps me up, and he starts talking about how I’m perfect for him, only for us to hook up and him to turn around and say, ‘You’re too serious.’ Then he leaves, having burned 600 calories from the sex so he doesn’t have to finish his jog!

3. I ask him if he’s single because I kinda sorta might be on a long rebound and he bails.

4. We have this platonic friendship that’s really a budding relationship, and it starts blissfully by us running away to cold stones. Then he says he’s not feeling me.

4a: Alternate ending. I tell him I’m not sure if I’m in a relationship.

5. I give him my number and call, only to find out that he needs some ’space’ and just wants to ‘hook up’ and things go as they do in option 2.

So, with all these options, leaving it at the track was the most attractive one. And that’s where it ends. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe not, but trying to keep up with him at least made me do a mile in 8 minutes, my best time since high school. So thanks!

Stress stress is stress

During my summer of working, schooling and running (I might as well work on my exercise regimen, I have nothing else better to do) I’ve found that this summer gets increasingly more difficult. Much more difficult when it comes to funding and money. I calculated my funds, and I’d need about 2 grand in order to pay rent, move, and get a place up in Oakland. I have no clue where I’m going to get this money either. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

But I’m sure he wouldn’t help me anyway, because he only did the water into wine trick. When my coworkers or my classmates ask me how I am, I’m not sure what to say anymore. A simple, ‘I’m fine’ wouldn’t do it, but what would? I would give the real answer, but I’m not even sure what the is. I know I need to find some way to gather money, get my driver’s license and drive a stick shift, pack, and figure out how I’m going to get a place in Oakland. All in six weeks. I know Elizabeth Barrett Browning said, “Who so loves believes the impossible” but man, what about us who just want to stop a life away from college? That’s starting to feel like the impossible. Now I know why so many people get sucked into those positions with the University employment. It’s safe, and way more cost efficient.

My mom asked me why am I doing all this? Why can’t I just get a normal job like other people instead of being underpaid for a full year? The most concrete answer I can give her, which is the one she’d be most satisfied with, is that this’ll shave about 5k off my student loans, which is a lot right now. But some of the real reasons is because I like it up there, I’m afraid that if I stay in this town it’ll just remind me of all my shortcomings, that I’m not happy here and maybe I’ll be happier if I get new experiences, that I want to network, do more writing, try some things I never have before, and fall in like (maybe love) with people I know wouldn’t be able to meet in Riverside. But that’s all the dreamers standpoint.

And man, I thought I had it bad last summer. I was just bored. I read every book in the library, worked and had an internship, talked to my best friend on the phone every night, and my Friday nights were spent staring at my ceiling pondering my future. Damn. Where’d those times go?

I thought I knew stress as testing, workshops, papers and whining about not being to get a smoothie. Now I’m stressed about how I’m going to make my next month’s rent. I miss that college stress. It was easier to deal with. And to think I’ll have all this to worry about…forever! Man, this’ll feel like purgatory. I want to think that I’m on to something really important, but I’m not sure what, and my mind is all sorts of mess. It’s just looking for some sort of release.

You know it’s bad when you’d rather run three miles than look at your old journals because the pain of looking on that part of your life is well…too painful. You know it’s bad when you’d rather do your Spanish homework than sit around. How do you grownups do this stuff? Not even a month after official college life, and already, I think I’m ready to pull my hair out.

Or someone’s. I’m going to go to bed, because I’m off to run three miles at six a.m.

Books, Movies and Food Survey

Music, Film, TV, Books and Other Stuff (50 questions)

Basics
Name?:
Christina

Age?:
22

Music
Favourite Band?:
Jamiroquai

Favourite Solo Artist?:
Dave Brubeck

Top 3 Albums?
1.: Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol. 1, by Jill Scott
2.: The Antidote, by the Wiseguys
3.: Horizons by Marques Wyatt

Favourite Song?:
I have three
1. Allegro Blues by Dave Brubeck
2. St. Louis Blues by Count Basie
3. ‘Round Midnight by Miles Davis.

Song You Want Played At Funeral?:
Something really annoying so people will leave. I hate funerals. How about ‘Who let the dogs out?’

Best Gig You’ve Seen?:
The Roots at UCR’s back to School concert, Sept 2002 (Damn, that was a long time ago)

How Many CD’s Do You Own?:
Too Many

Film
Top 3 Films?
1.: City of God
2.: Waking Life
3.: Fat Girl

Favourite Actor?:
Don’t have one, but Phillippe Haagesen is pretty cute.

Favourite Actress?:
Don’t have one of those either

Favourite Director?:
Fernando Mirales or Ken Loach

Have You Ever Walked Out Of A Film?:
No.

If Yes What Film?:
I’d never walk out of a film, I want my money’s worth

TV
British Or American TV Shows?: British
Top 3 TV Comedies?
1.: I don’t watch TV much, but Black Adder
2.: The Office (British)
3.: Chappelle Show

Top 3 TV Dramas?
1.: No clue
2.: Diddo
3.: Diddo

Books
Top 3 Books?
1. Fiction “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath Nonfiction: “Around the Bloc: My life in Moscow, Beijing and Havana” by Stephanie Elizando Griest (I love her so)
2.: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
3.: Slouching Towards Bethlemham by Joan Diddion

Favourite Author?:
I like a lot, but I do have a fondness for Ben Richards

How Many Books Do You Own?:
WAY too many

Food And Drink
Favourite Type Of Food?:
Italian, Indian and Mediterranean Stuff

Favourite Meal?:
For summer, Panzanella with Strawberry Gapanzo is pretty awesome

Favourite Non Alchololic Drink?:
Pomegranate or Fruit Tea Smoothies or Iced Green Tea Lemonade

Favourite Alcholic Drink?:
A basic desert wine

What You Want From Life
Job?:
I’m sort of employed right now. Finishing a contract

Ideal Job?:
To work as a foreign correspondent, a freelance writer or a writing instructor in post secondary education

Most Important Quality In Partner?:
Honesty

Your Best Quality?:
I’m really sweet

What Would You Change About Yourself If You Could?:
That I wasn’t so trusting, or suspicious

What Would You Change About Your Body If You Could?:
I wish I was four inches taller, or my breasts were smaller

One Thing You Regret?:
I don’t regret anything.

What Do You Want From Next 10 Years?:
To gain enough love and life experience to have a healthy, happy life from that point on.

If you want to take the survey, join right in. I just thought this would be more fun, instead of hearing my complain about my life.

Free Write 6: Fear

I wish I could say all of the things that I”m afraid of, right now, and yet I can’t. It’s probably because I can’t think of all of the right words or the right phrases, it won’t sound pretty. I’ll pretty much sound like I’m whining about my life, and besides, on moments like these when I have no one to answer to and I’m alone I can do whatever I want, except I have no money and few friends and then I wonder what’s the point of me even being here anyway?

I probably should back up and say the rest of the story. Turns out, I have no clue how I’m going to make my last month’s rent because of a glitch with financial aid. My mom said she’ll help me, and I’m a little embarrassed over it. I should be more independent at this age. I haven’t called my friends in weeks because I don’t see the point in participating in any more performative friendships and besides, nothing good ever comes out of them. I would call my brother, but after a five minute conversation with him the other day, he said that we aren’t going to work out anymore, because we’re on different paths and he doesn’t know if he can help me out financially (even though he said he would). I don’t even understand why he came out here for commencement anymore.

And maybe I should back up a little more, and start, here when I was 10 and my dad passed away. I stayed with my grandparents for the summer but my papa, yeah, I had a bad feeling about him. Coming in on me when I was taking a shower, or using the bathroom, or sneaking into my room late at night. I talk my big mama that something was wrong, and she didn’t listen to me, so I turned on the radio whenever I went to sleep so he wouldn’t come in and I locked the bedroom doors. He died a few weeks ago of prostrate cancer, and honestly, I didn’t care. I didn’t send in a flower or anything because I didn’t see the point.

That’s where my brother got upset. He doesn’t understand. I felt violated and unsafe around them, so why should i go to their event? He says I’m being cold and heartless, and I hate when my friends say that I seem as though I never fear anything because I fear a lot of things, and then he said he didn’t want to keep in contact with me anymore because he thinks I have my own life since we haven’t spoken in five years. Yeah, that’s right, my older brother broke up with me.

What’s it with men leaving me? It seems as though anyone I love, leaves me, enters and exits suddenly and I have no way to protect my heart. But what about my family? Should I protect myself from them? Maybe that’s why I’m so defensive when male friends ask why I don’t want a relationship. Why should I? Why should I expose myself to someone who’s love is conditional, or where they’ll hurt me? Why should I be there for someone who can’t reciprocates? Why should I love someone who will eventually leave because they’re tired of me?

And now, all of that’s coming back because I’m just thinking about him, my brother. And why he thought it was okay to leave me that way. The room feels small, and I feel like I’m running out of resources, of friends, and now family, and anyone who’ll protect me. I’m claustrophobic. Things are getting smaller instead of widening out, and with all of these NSF fees and having to move, i don’t know if I’ll ever make a right decision I want to not be afraid of anything or anyone, and why does talking about this seem cathartic and worrisome at the same time? How come I never hear about people who have the same troubles? When will ever get emotionally independent and not worry about being dogged out by everyone. I’m afraid to be vulnerable, and yet, i feel like I am all the time, like a burden, like someone who no one will want besides, everyone else has the things they need. I just want them too. And other things like my brother back, and just something i can depend on, or at least, to not feel so needy.