On Boys

I’m not too big on watching television, but last summer I became in engrossed in VH1’s hit show Scott Baio is 45 and single. I found I had a lot in common with Scott. No, I’m not a former child star (I am a former child model though), nor am I 45, or ready to marry. However, I do have issues with intimacy and relating to people on a romantic level.

For those of you who read my blog (I’m sure that’s like 2 of you) I’ve written a lot about my first love (no I will not give out his name). I was 20, in London, and felt that should be the time to meet someone nice and fall in love, and I did meet someone nice to fall in love with. In hindsight, I realize now that the relationship was very one sided. I felt some kind of emotional bond, a connection that was so intimate, that I didn’t even need to have the sex. Too bad he didn’t feel that way, and he didn’t tell me this. For. Eighteen. Months.

I don’t want to go through that again, so I’ve resolved to my previous belief. As far as straight men go, I think that they make the best of friends, and when I can get a straight man to be my friend, no pretenses made, it’s truly a beautiful friendship. They’re honest, kind and protective, and I feel like I have a brother. I’ve recently discovered the joys of befriending straight men in committed relationships, which also provides another perspective that I don’t normally get. The problem is that that’s as far as I can usually go with a man. Otherwise, an intimate connection goes awry. And I’m sure there are tons of guys who are emotionally available and don’t seem to think that any contact with a woman involves entrapment, manipulation and the like, and I’m sure they desire that connection. The trouble is that they’re usually very bad at it. Attempting to establish an emotional connection with a man is like pulling wisdom teeth unmedicated, and I’m not into that prying, that time, that scheming, just to get close to a man and for him to like me. Most are unwilling to go through that, and what’s the point of trying to force it?

It’s difficult to get on that level with a man, and I figured it’s pointless to engage men in a level that they don’t want to. So I engage them at something which (some may not be good at) but at least are interested in it. The first time I slept with a man was when I was 22. I wish I could say some internalized homophobia or heterosexual oppression that led me to do it, but to be honest, I was tired of not having sex. It was a casual sexual relationship, and it went well. It was slightly unfullfilling, but fine for the moment.

Loveless sex is fine, in fact, exciting, fun, creative and hot, but after a while it gets a little sad when that limit is placed on it, the limit of there will be no opportunity for love or intimacy in this sex, and then it becomes finite. It might be one time, or span over years, but it’s never had the impact on me that I’d like. It’s usually because I’m so unsuccessful at establishing a good emotional connection with a man. However, when that emotional connection is there, and there’s something about my partner that excites me outside of the bedroom, the quality of the sex changes. It gets better.

The problem I tend to have is that my opportunities for developing something outside of sex (or where sex isn’t the primary focus) is difficult with a man. Men don’t seem to value the emotional and intimate connection as much as women do. With girls, I tend to have a stronger emotional bond that develops much faster. My last girlfriend had a powerful bond where we could fall into each other emotionally, whether it was good, bad, exciting or not too exciting, or we still had one another there for a support system. That connection was amazing, but I find that I can only have that specific connection with female bodied people. I don’t think it’s a psychological difference. I think men are just trained to be emotionally selfish or not as caring or sensitive about these matters. The thing is that someone compassionate, caring and sensitive is really important to me in a partner. I only seem to find this in women.

There is something to be said about how I relate to men. I’m still in a state of having to work through my issues with men. I still have this thing in the back of my head that men will hurt me, and then leave, since every significant male in my life (dad, brother, grandfather, my first love, and all those endless crushes) leaves me in some form or another. And maybe I’m replacing sex with intimacy because it’s safer. I don’t want to do this forever, I want to work through this. But my issues with men are separate with how I feel about women. Men are better for light hearted affairs and sex, to me, but I’d prefer a woman as a partner or at least, someone who has similar qualities to a woman. I want to think that men can be good partners too, but unlike Scott Baio, I don’t have a life coach, so it would take me longer than eight weeks. At least I don’t have anyone who’s waiting to marry me.