Quick List 3: Why am I a VISTA?

I am a VISTA because….

 

1.  I wanted to get some experience working with nonprofits

2.  I wanted to be part of the legacy of service leaders

3.  I’ve already done a term of Americorps

4.  I LOVE being poor and uninsured

Old- fashioned

On my way home from my writer’s group, I started to pontificate on my present lack of a romantic life. I’ve been living it vicariously through other people for the past couple of months, partially through choice. There are a few people whom I’ve befriended with the possibility of a not so platonic friendship, but I’m afraid my interest isn’t so strong right now.

I don’t want to sound lame, but it’s mainly because the people I’ve recently met are all polyamorous and have a primary partner. Whenever I’m around any of them, this question kinda hangs in the air, and I second myself a lot. Sure, this person likes me in some way, and finds me attractive, but the only thought that goes on about this other person is: you have someone at home waiting for you, and I am afraid I’ll be a little too demanding.

That’s not to say that I don’t have any experience with polyamory. Lots of friends in college indulged in this exotic, revolutionary approach to loving more than one person and hopefully, increasing the amount of love they had in their lives, although one could argue that love cannot be quantified and that boisterous summer was filled with more headaches than orgasms. I’ve seen friends do it, and I’ve seen a few open relationships up close, and my first experience with a girl was through a polyamorous relationship.

But alas, I can’t say that any of these experiences have been too positive. My former roommate was proud of being in an open relationship, but it seems like in that dynamic one person has more control over the other, and the process of including a third party involves hurting someone else as a part of the game plan. It’s been a few years since that experience with that girl, but her problem with me was that she needed to constantly be the center of attention. It wasn’t good enough if one person devoted themselves to her. She needed to have four other people fighting over her as well.

I know that the examples I’ve given out are individualized. There are plenty of monogamous relationships that break down, opening a relationship could be the solution to the problem, and some people need to have sex with others outside of their primary relationship. I know all this. In fact, I’m staring at my copy of “The Ethical Slut” across on the coffee table. But I’ve had bad experiences with open relationships, so I’m reluctant to get involved in one. Perhaps if I have more experience with relationships in general I’d be more interested in one, but right now the risk is too large.

Or maybe what I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be happy with being in a secondary relationship. I know me better (unfortunately), and me says that I want more attention and affection than someone who can see me every six weeks. The fact that I would be a long term fall back for someone would cause me to eventually become bored, then angry, and then I’d leave.

I guess what I’m saying is that I want someone who is open, and available. And perhaps that person may not be available if they already have someone at home. I don’t have an opinion on people who chose that type of relationship, just as I don’t see monogamy as superior to it. I’m just not sure if it’s right for me at this moment. I want to go out with someone who wants to date me, as opposed to friendly sex. My sort of ex gf once said I was too old fashioned; perhaps I should’ve been born in a different decade. She might be right.

Around the block

One of the things I miss about Riverside, aside from being in college, is the weather. Riverside is a desert town, but I’d prefer the desert to the rain at this moment. So when it was finally 80 degrees this Saturday, I threw on my cut off shorts, some flip flops and headed down to the farmer’s market to soak up some sun (or to rejoice the rain stopping for a second). I was supposed to meet up with Leslie to go for a hike later on, but alas, she canceled on me. At first I thought we could be friends, but she’s an Ivy league educated, uber successful, single and ACTIVELY looking power lesbian, and I am just not there yet.

Refusing to retreat back to my room when the weather is so nice, I went to the Coffee Mill, a cute cafe by my house and sat upstairs alone. Needless to say, I was surrounded by couples and I slumped in my chair while I waited for my tofu sautee. I just finished reading my last book, so I was without a literary project, left to do nothing besides contemplate the past few days. Seeing all those other people around me, who were able to like, get someone to go to brunch with them was a little disheartening. A few days ago I did run into Nick, again, but when I saw him at the studio something didn’t feel right. His energy was lower. He didn’t seem as excited to see me as I was him. And after class, I got the bad news verbalized. He was on his bike when he said, “you know, you seem nice, but I’m not emotionally available for anything. Maybe I’ll see you in class.” From the use of the word nice which I dislike (I despise all 4 and 5 letter monosyallabic adjectives) I know I’m not going to see him in class again.

So what was I doing so wrong? When it comes to critiques on my personality, they’re usually very light. People say that I’m “nice” “great” “sweet” and “kind”, but none of these people want to spend time with me. And the ones where there is potential, it just rests in this acquaintance level, and I’m so over making sure I’m readily available for a two minute exchange. They don’t want to take things much further than that. Or like Leslie, they ditch me when a potential date opens up.

That’s pretty heavy stuff to contemplate when you’re at brunch. Sure it was sunny, I was wearing my shorts, it was Saturday, but I’m surrounded by people who are actually with someone. There are two men to my right who are in the same band, grabbing a quick bite to eat before they head back to the city. And the family of six with their two adorable kids, and they each order eggs of some variation. And there are the two girls giggling over the cute French vendor at the Farmer’s market, and of course, the granola hippies who deplore meat but then order a double cheeseburger.

After the two grunge musicians leave, they are quickly replaced by a couple. The girl is probably my age, maybe late twenties, with the body of a runway model and long deep burgundy hair that she keeps pushing out of the way because they’re going over her sunglasses. And the guy is equally gorgeous. He’s muscular and masculine, with a tattoo of the marines on his left bicep. He could be Vin Diesel’s twin, or stunt double at least. Anyway, I look at them and sigh, but the interesting thing is what they order. He orders a steak and eggs, and she gets a cup of ice. Yes, just ice. They wait in silence and eat in silence. Maybe they’ve reached a point where they don’t talk. Or maybe the chemistry isn’t that strong. Or maybe they’re in it for the sex. Or maybe they just had sex, and now they have nothing to say to each other. My own social life has been quiet so I fill in the dialouge for others.

He’s in between scarfing down his steak. He looks over to her sucking her ice, head looking at her manicured toes and away from him in a sullen glow. He tries to appease her by offering a forkful of eggs, but she shrugs it off, saying, “No thanks. I don’t do cholesterol.”

Maybe it’s not just me brunching alone.

Thoughts of the day: Shanz or chance

Since I’ve left the university bubble, I’ve discovered that being an adult is a lonely business most of the time.  I don’t say that out of an endless whining of being trapped in the house. I go out and meet people, and I probably spend more time out of the house than I do in it.  (Recently, one of my roommates asked me why I am always gone, and I said it’s because I need to do my own thing, because I can’t join them in theirs).  But I haven’t really “met” anyone.  Meaning, that I haven’t met anyone whom I’ve felt that connection, that spark with, where I could see myself liking the idea of connecting with this person in the future.  With most that I’ve met, it’s been a glance, or a laugh, a friendly conversation here and there, and perhaps lunch even, but it doesn’t escalate to more than that.

Even though I am meeting new people, and getting to know the area in more ways that I like, I don’t feel connected to a particular community.  If I ever had to leave I’d miss the area, but the people not so much.  I’ve been thinking about what I am going to do when my contract is up, and met with the hypothetical question of if I was offered the chance to move, would I take it, I answered yes, because I have no personal connections to keep me grounded in this city.  I know that I’ll find other areas that I like, but when it comes to people, it’s so rare.

I got this great idea to stop being so active in meeting people online, as a way to process or de-process the solution or non solution of this ongoing issue with meeting people, people whom I’d like to be a part in their lives.  I’m so not in love with the internet to connecting me to people anymore.

I’ll explain.  The advantages of meeting people online are simple.  You have a profile or ad of this person and their tastes, interests, hobbies, sometimes their political leaning or family background.  So from a distance you can already discern if those people are going to be great matches for you.  You clearly know that this person has this relational space open in their lives, whether it be for a friend or a lover, so you minimalize your risk of being rejected on the grounds that this person can be closed.  You can gauge where you would fit into this person’s life, and if you meet up, you know you have a scheduled event in hand where you two can concentrate on the potential for the relationship.

One of the many drawbacks that go with meeting people online is that it provides a false sense of security, a false sense of understanding who this person is.  On a smaller note, it may not be them who wrote that profile or that ad.  On a more common note, they may misrepresent themselves.  That may not be their photo, or they may not have the interests that they mention in their ad.  And if you send them an email, they may not reply.  And if you try to schedule something, they may cancel.  And if you do get a chance to meet up with them, and afterward they don’t respond to emails or phone calls, it’s made abundantly clear that sure, they want friends, but they don’t want to be your friend, and they don’t want to have a relationship with you.  That is, if you can get past the whole email and phone call exchange.

Imagine having to go through all of that when it comes to meeting people. It’s like making your needs all the more obvious and open to a person who may not have the same concerns.  I posted a couple of ads on craigslist in the strictly platonic section, and I got a few responses, but they have all been hit or miss in regards to developing budding friendships.  Sometimes they get busy, or they get boyfriends, or they just plain old didn’t like me.  But the chemistry for a thought to occur that, “hey I’d really like to be in this person’s life more often” isn’t there.  It’s disheartening, much like applying for a desirable job and getting a paper that says We’ve reviewed your application and qualifications, and we’re sorry to say that we cannot offer the position to you at this time.  We thank you and wish you luck on your continued search for finding someone who’d like to fill the position of friend.

The hard thing is that you can’t apply for friends.  I think you can apply for lovers and that’s why online dating perhaps is so popular.  But for friends there has to be a chemistry, a connection, and I’m not quite feeling it with people I meet online, so I’m thinking I need to lay off that for a while and concentrate on finding potential friends in real life, which for the most part is also difficult.  The place I do spend a lot of time at is also a place where I can’t meet potential hanging buddies due to the MOU.  So work is out.  At times I find myself smiling too widely at women in my yoga class, or on the street because they remind me of my friends back home.  But I catch myself doing this and have to remind myself, this seems odd.  I want to talk to more people, but when it comes to approaching folks as potential friends, it gets tricky.  People at bars expect people to chat them up for potential dating.  The same doesn’t apply to friends.

Where are all these people who have tons of friends at? Where did they get theirs at?  Can I like, go to a store and buy some friends in a box?  I ask myself this all the time.  When I was meeting up with a potential friend she asked my why hadn’t I enlisted on of my college buddies to move up here with me — that way I wouldn’t be so lonely.  It hadn’t occur to me to do this until I moved up here, and I realized how many people actually move with college friends and partners.  I’m sad to say I didn’t have those types of strong connections with people at school.  It was hard to pull them away for lunch, much less moving up to a strange place with me.  And my college friends and I were heading in different life directions.  I feel it would’ve been immature for me to ignore this fact, and understand that while I can encourage them, we may ultimately move apart in the process.

The potential friend and I ultimately did not end up meeting up again, because she said she liked for things to occur naturally and scheduling stuff always made her feel pressured.  I wanted to ask why she answered my ad in the first place,  but her point was taken.  She’s been successful at developing friendships through random conversations and using her spontaneity.  I on the other hand floundered at that in college, where I had people who knew me.  These connections just stayed at polite, two minute conversations, and even though it was fun, I often found myself wanting more than a person to joke with and complain about classes.  It seemed like everyone else did their thing in groups.  They went out in groups, went to movies in groups, hung out, partied, and fell in love in groups, all like having your own Greek chorus of the college ages to support you.  I didn’t have that, but I really wanted it and convinced myself that something was wrong because I was lacking those connections.

“I’ll see you around…” is a phrase I didn’t even accept in college, where it could have been easy to run into someone.  I don’t know if I can run into someone as easily here.  It seems like most are locked into their friend quota now, and at times going to places alone can feel like an embarrassment. Without the online help, I’m relying more on who I am in real life compared to when I write ads.  I know how to construct a well written, articulate and witty post, but how do I convey that to real life?  Is it possible?  The other thing about real life is that it just moves at a slower pace. I know I can’t get someone to meet up with me for lunch, but if they tell me they’ll be at a yoga class, that shows some hope.  There’s mystery, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s a more reliable way to meet people vs.  being online.

I want to take a chance and put my hands in fate, or something, that I can find someone I’m excited about without orchestrating the whole charade, but I’m scared.  I don’t want to give up that much control.  But on the same hand, I like the evolution that can happen when things just naturally go their course.  The problem is that the natural course hasn’t yielded much for me in the past, so I’m unsure of it in the future.  I’m unsure if someone is even worth the investment of getting excited over.

Remember that guy I talked about at my yoga class?  As strange as it seems, I can’t stop thinking about him.  I don’t want to make out with him, or take his money, or anything like that.  But sometimes when my boss drones on about his vision that he needs me to implement, while I jot down notes I’m thinking of Nick.  Of how I want to have coffee with him and ask him what Exeter’s like, or of going sailing with him (because he’s a sailing instructor) and us just pouring out all the things that are important to us.  I think I could do that with him, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

I tried to think of ways I could contact him.  Could I stick a note in his yoga mat saying I liked him and leaving him my number?  Could I stalk the studio until he showed up since I have time on the books?  Could I ask my other friend Nate about Nick, since they are from the same hometown?  I asked Nate, but I don’t have enough information about Nick.  I can’t identify which mat is his at the studio and it’s probably illegal for the instructors to tell me.  And while girls stalking boys is cute in Hollywood romantic comedies, it’s creepy in real life, and the fast track to a restraining order.

So I did the next best thing after those options.  I decided I’d go to a different yoga class.  Last Thursday I rushed out of the office to catch the bus to Berkeley, stumbled into class while everyone was on their mats with their heads down in that upside down V, and stripped in the back to change into my exercise clothes.  I got excited for a moment when I saw a guy, tall, pale and blond with his head bowed down almost to his knees.  At first I thought it was Nick, but when he sprawled into a power lunge and I looked at his face, I knew it wasn’t my guy.  I hid my disappointment by turning away from the class.  After the class, I told the instructor that I was a little sad because I was looking forward to seeing Nick, and he wasn’t there.  She told me he had gone to another session looking for me, and of course, I wasn’t there.

There goes my chance.

Haiku

Endlessly I whine

That I’m lonely, but when time

Permits, I don’t call.