There is the mind. That simple, gruesome word. There are combinations of the word mind, like mindful, which means attentive, and like homeless. Without a home. I often wondered why there wasn’t the adjective homeful and my teacher told me that grammatically incorrect, until recently when people started to say people without homes to take away the stigma of the homeless, so take that Ms. Cole. There are the phrases – do you mind. I’d mind if you do that. There’s paid him no mind. There’s the word of the mind meaning the brain although mindful implies a behavior from the heart…..which makes me wonder, does brain matter have to do with the heart.
We were talking about this earlier. It’s said that memory and emotion are so elusive because they are all over the brain. They are not tied to just one part, which makes me wonder if the mind is that same way. What goes through other people’s minds? What about psychics? Can they read minds or are they just bullshitting. And what would you mind have to encompass, have to embody, just to read someone’s past present future if you know it’s not going to be good? What goes on in my mind? Perhaps that’s the biggest and scariest mystery of them all. There’s a lot of music and fantasies. Lot thoughts I rummage through daily, most which I should ignore. There are a lot talking, a lot past scenes playing through my mind. Images of what I’d like my future to be like. Me running a marathon. Me having a book signing. Me having a stunning greyhound. They were racing through my head today when I saw a customer stroll through with hers/ Privates thoughts that keep to me, like, why can’t I figure out my sexual orientation? Am I kinkier than I let myself on to be? And there arise other things, like more important things, like, why can’t I find my big Passions in life and if they change so rapidly to represent the mental landscape that is my mind. Will I ever be famous or reselected as a writer, and why o why o why do I have such a hard time just sitting down and writing all of this crap that I know no one is going to read? I do not know. Most of the questions I have I can’t answer and I don’t think anyone else can, even a psychic.
I wonder if the brain is tired to emotions and if so, if that’s where the origin of the mind comes from. I wonder if I think about things too much and just need to feel them, and if my mind is my own worst enemy. I think I want to reach out to others but I don’t. I think my capacity of inviting new friends is full at this moment. And yet, I feel cruel for saying that. I wonder if I rationalize too much and that’s the reason why I feel paralyzed and betrayed by what goes on in my own head. I wonder about the times when someone has called me mindful, when someone has said I called to say I love you, I want to call to tell you these things, I thought about calling you, I thought about thinking to call you, it’s the thought that counts, the love I share, about the things I want to do, that’s what should matter. That the matter is irrelevant, that the time is now, that, that, that, that, ….I just meant to say never mind.
A few weekends ago, in the unexepected sunlight of the early Saturday morning, My Love and I were preparing for a bike ride and I saw some of my neighbors, most walking dogs, these lovely, fluffly, sometimes barking, tail wagging happy dogs whom I mostly could tell were puppies because of the goofy way they lept around, and with a sudden urge my heart cooed, I want a puppy!
