I daydream more than I breathe. Like the article in Psychology today, I am devoted to distraction. I love to think. Think about thinking about the thinking of thinking and such. And I wish so many of my fantasies were just that fantasies but they’re so rooted in reality I don’t know how to escape it. So what am I daydreaming about when I’m so desperately trying to look busy at work, or when I’m in the grocery store, or when I’m with friends? Lots of things. Real things, like, how much fun I had in London, or how I’m glad I’m out of school, or how I’ll be gladder when I can return to grad school, and if after close to two years being here, do I really want to make the Bay Area my home? And if I don’t did I just waste two years of my life when I could’ve been getting a masters? Of how much I still want to get my MFA but then I wonder why, and how badly I want to quick this job out of general purpose but then I wonder why, and what’ll be eating today, and what should I have as a snack today, and why does getting naked with someone turn me off again, and why don’t books sound as awesome as they used to, and what’ with me running off to hibernate in the spring (I should be happy I’m single with all this hot weather to scope out hot people in) and am I really gay at heart, and do I want to leave, and do I want to read, or why am I so afraid of writing, and afraid of falling in love, but yet I’m falling in love with writing again? It’s scary! How marvelous! I have something to look forward to in the hours of silence after I leave my dead end job.
Summer always reminds me of the summers from childhood, when I could find soft serve ice cream or when I was trying to give my friends a definition of masturbation when I really meant a nocturnal emission (this was during my encyclopedia obsession) or when penny candy was a penny and hanging out at the park past six was the baddest thing ever. I think a lot about love, failed love, why can’t I ever say I love you and be happy – or be accepted, or is there something wrong with the love I am offering and am I just on a completely separate wavelength as the rest of the population. I wonder about that often too. I wonder about leaving the country again and teaching abroad, to embrace the adventure of being alive the way I did in London, when I thought about the Peace Corps, when I first moved up here. Even though I know what I’m looking for is to fall tumultuously, dangerously, relentlessly, and financial irresponsibly in love again and feel the freshness and the new because I haven’t felt it in a very long time. I told Stephanie that I was thinking about it again – what was important to me and how to do I achieve it – and if I could achieve it being in Oakland at some dead end job. I really don’t know at the moment if I need a change in location or a change and perspective. I may be getting ahead of myself. Besides, I would have to stay here for another year anyway before plotting to leave this place.
And yet I daydream, constantly about my needs, others needs, how do I go about meeting others needs and fulfilling my own? Am I even capable of loving people in the way they need to be loved? Am I just crazy for drama since things are so cool for now? Besides, I relish my apartment, the freedom to read, the employment which pays me just enough to afford this studio, and yet I am looking for a change, a constant change – I don’t know if I ever am ever evolving.
